Empathy Activism: How to be an Ally
When we combine compassion with our activism we integrate it into our lives.
Begin by saying, “I believe you,” before getting to the words “I understand you.”
Ever felt like you're walking on eggshells, trying to be an ally or feminist, but constantly fearing you're messing up? You're probably thinking, "What if I'm actually sexist and don't even know it?" Well, you're not alone, and it's okay to feel that way. We're all learning here.
Listen, we've all been called out for saying or doing something cringe-worthy at some point. But what matters is what you do next. Do you hide in shame, or do you embrace the opportunity to learn and grow? It's tough to face our own flaws, but guess what? You're already taking the first step by acknowledging them. Good on ya!
So, you wanna be an ally, a true supporter of equality? Let me help you navigate the choppy waters of empathy and activism. I promise you'll gain a deeper understanding of what it means to stand up for others and dismantle your own biases. Let's dive into this journey together and become better allies. Let's begin!
It is 2022 and times are not changing too fast. In fact, for a lot of marginalized people, we could say that the US is regressing in rights by the day. There are loads of ways to be an ally, not only to your beautifully queer community but to your female and female passing friends as well.
In March 2021, a new hashtag appeared on Tiktok and the crowd went viral. Yes, there was a moment of clarity and stupidity all over Tiktok. A study showed that 97% of women in the UK faced some sort of harassment or worse in their lifetime. Some people felt it was a beautiful time to share their personal stories and help validate the stats while others tried very hard to poke holes in the statistics and added the confused, defensively ignorant hashtag #notallmen.
If harassment were a disease we would definitely be on lockdown and quarantining FOREVER.
Obviously, many things have happened since March of 2021 that showcase the irrevocable rights being lost and the confusion of power in the systems all over the world. However, I found this study to be one of the most blatant research studies to showcase reality alongside what and where we can go from here within the context of believing someone when they are hurt/harassed/oppressed/dismissed.
In some ways, women feel like they are all the time (harassed, according to the 97% research study), and have begun to build their lives around the unfortunate truth that the mechanics of the current systems are not here to help make them feel safe.
Let’s start with the statistics… like, let’s get deep with it! Here is a direct copy and paste from the 25-page report turned into some cliff’s notes for you that don’t want to read the whole report but want to get the juicy deets.
Based on the actual report here are some stats from APPG, Results from the 2021 YouGov survey of 1,089 women in the UK.
71% of women of all ages in the UK have experienced some form of sexual harassment in a public space. This number rises to 86% among 18-24-year-olds and only 3% of 18-24 year-olds reported having not experienced any of the types of harassment listed.
The two main reasons women of all ages cited for not reporting incidents are: “I didn’t think the incident was serious enough to report” (55%) and “I didn’t think reporting it would help” (45%)
44% of women agreed that having more confidence that reporting the incident would prevent it from happening again would encourage them to report.
The 2021 YouGov survey shows extremely low levels of reporting. Over 95% of all women did not report their experiences of sexual harassment, with 98% for women aged 18-34 not reporting incidences of sexual harassment.
The 2021 YouGov survey found that over 50% of women experiencing any of the categories of sexual harassment did not report the incident because they did not believe it was serious enough to report. This is likely due to multiple definitions of sexual harassment and a lack of awareness. In a similar way, according to a 2017 YouGov survey, 73% of women would report “flashing” whereas only 8% of women would report someone “pinching or grabbing their bum”.
Perception of severity also correlates with age as older age groups may consider an incident less severe than younger groups (YouGov, Sexual harassment: how the genders and generations see the issue differently, 2017). The unconscious attitude that a certain level of sexual harassment should be tolerated by women is prevalent in our society. Some acts of sexual behaviour are defined as “unacceptable” whilst others are “tolerable” or even “acceptable”, resulting in a culture of conditioning for women to accept certain sexual behaviour, particularly in busy cities, where some women feel a certain level of sexual harassment is almost inevitable.
Of those who did not report because they thought doing so would be too dangerous or emotionally upsetting, 76% said they would be more likely to report if they had confidence that doing so would prevent the incident from happening again
A 2020 survey conducted by Visible found that 41% of women changed their clothing, their commutes, or the times they travelled due to harassment on the London underground
The findings of this report highlight a serious lack of trust in the reporting mechanisms and systems that are in place to protect women and limited improvement in rates of reporting sexual harassment over time. There is an opportunity to use these findings to take concerted action, and further, incentivize women and marginalized groups to come forward with their experiences.
To Men/male identifying or Influencers, below are some tips on how you can make a difference today!
Check out our Free Clarifying your Purpose Course to get a life Mission Statement. Have a statement to check inward to see if you are honoring what you believe in daily.
Hey people wanting to help, your voice is great to advocate and be there. Femme people want you to be a part of the dialogue. Spot misogyny and call it out. Help them feel less weird for feeling unsafe and calling it out.
Are you an influencer or have a following? If you are an influencer and have clout, share women’s/femme voices too! The feminist movement needs male voices because we still live in a patriarch where men’s voices are heard more, but if we allow men only to speak for us, then we will also lose our role in the conversation around what it is truly like to be a woman in the world today. If you know any women or femme leaders/speakers/advocates/revolutionaries who speak on this, both on the intersectionality and the basics around oppression as a woman, share the people with your followers!
2. Fannie Lou Hammer said it best, “We are not free until everybody's free.” That sentiment, while created during the civil rights movement, still speaks volumes about women and true feminism today. We are siblings. We are unified when we see that equality is looking at any person you meet as your human family. Let’s empower ourselves by speaking up for injustice everywhere. That also means being a good feminist is speaking up for all injustice and not leaving anyone behind. It means speaking up on environmentalism, racism, LGBTQ+, and anywhere you notice any injustice. If you are not speaking about marginalized groups and the intersectionality of feminism then you are also missing the premise of the movement.
3. When we are speaking up about injustice or feeling oppressed or unsafe, be mindful of our behavior. It is easy to want to separate yourself from the problem ( which is how things like #notallmen happen), but unfortunately, we are all culturally a part of the problem, because it is systemic- this is how we have problems like internalized oppression. We live in a patriarchal society and to my knowledge always have, but that does not mean things cannot change. It means looking at all the subtle nuances of culture that make it more difficult for women to speak up, feel safe, be safe, and be heard without contempt.
4. When you say things, like, “don’t wear that because you may get unwanted attention” you are spreading the belief that it is the victim’s fault for what is about to happen if they do get into a situation where they are in danger. Minnesota passed a law that a woman cannot go to court if they have been drinking excessively and have been raped or assaulted. Essentially, Minnesota is giving victim-blaming a law and allowing the ‘boys to be boys’ viewpoint to go ahead and rape away.
5. If you see yourself trying to poke holes in stats, or when a female friend tries to come forward to you and you are first trying to defend the man in the story- please take a pause and realize that this story is not them talking about you. Most healing begins with the words, “I believe you,” not, “I understand completely.” There is a difference between sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Women when sharing are looking for compassion, it’s the opposite of pity and performance. It is empathy in action. It gives inspiration. Empathy is feeling that person’s pain as if it is your own and you listen and give presence in that pain. This is a great allyship for women while they are sharing. (If you want to learn more about this behavior, there is a great woman, Dr. Harriet Lerner who spent 20 years studying apologies and the behavior that people go through when incorrectly apologizing. Her book, “Why won’t you Apologize” definitely shook me and taught me some huge lessons as to how I behave when confronted.
Being an ally is not something you can declare, it is something women can declare by seeing you genuinely holding space for them. It is more than caring.
6. Being an ally is vulnerable. It will be difficult for you because unfortunately, vulnerability is a ‘feminine’ title and is yet to totally be accepted. So, you may serve to have some ladies on your side while you do your vulnerable work.
7. When you are alone in an environment with a woman or femme person and they are acting strange, don’t take it personally. Femme people cannot tell who is safe and who is not anymore. Unfortunately, we have to assume that we are unsafe more than we are safe for our own protection.
I hope this article has been helpful and given you a starting point on being the great change that this world needs to become a more humane and compassionate place. We all know and feel that the world can be a safer and better place. When we close our eyes we imagine something greater and different. It is because of that we do the work and we stay on our path towards inner betterment.
Take breaks, enjoy your life, and have fun in the process. It is not going anywhere and it is a long road ahead. This took lifetimes to create this system and it may take lifetimes to create a new more empathetic shift in our human existence, but it is what will also keep us all alive on this planet.
Thank you for wanting to read this and become a part of the positive change ahead. You are doing the work, that counts for something. Keep doing it, until we are all free!
Be sure to grab my freebie 5day course to build clarity around your purpose-driven life. When you find clarity here, you are able to live saying no confidently and yes to only what keeps you in personal alignment!
Hello! If you made it this far then you are very cool, obviously. I am Brook Woolf, the author of this blog and founder of Emotional Body Mapping. If you want to know more about me feel free to check out my other posts and my bio! I hope you have found my site to have useful and thoughtful information. If you ever want me to do a deep dive on a topic feel free to email me! I am a real person and love hearing from my readers. Also, if you are looking for guidance in your holistic practice or life I also do private coaching if none of the online courses satiate you enough.
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