Vulnerability in Relationships
Oh, Sex. Sex is one of the most vulnerable spaces we can embrace when connecting to our sexual partners. And although vulnerability s a required practice, no matter how much you both know each other, whether or not it is a vulnerability in love, a vulnerability in marriage or you are just beginning your sexy adventure it’s rarely discussed in how it comes to be. It’s happening- with a little magic not usually considered sexy called consent communication. That’s right, in this article I will do my best to articulate how vulnerability and consent communication can be both fun and sexy.
Let’s get started.
Reading the article from Bustle, on ways to make practicing affirmative consent sexy ( please read this one too!), I realized how come so much of this never ends up happening during sex.
The four reasons why we don’t have good consent communication:
Our sex education in most places is clearly antiquated, starts way too late, and is totally f*cked with gender bias and confused statistics.
Culture is sex-obsessed and averse to death/vulnerable truths. This leads to lots of different problems like sexism and violence towards women, especially those marginalized (Native Americans in the US being the highest risk).
Soft is still not sexy (but, I totally think it is).
Vulnerability takes bravery and work. Sex, when done vulnerably, looks like clear communication both in boundaries and desires.
“ Through my research, I have found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It is the magic sauce.”
Brene Brown
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Consent is a practice that is affirming and positive in nature. Is it a call and response practice in a way, something we have been doing since red rover times? However, because we are heightened with nerves and pressure sexually we tend to lose our voice in the bedroom.
Somehow, not having clarity with words didn’t seem to stop the action from happening, which is why consent is so important.
It is sexy to know where your partner is at during sex.
It is sexy to know what your partner likes and doesn’t like during sex.
Consent helps create a dialogue so that you can know this AND get better at it every time.
Just because your partner liked something one day, doesn’t mean that they will like it at another time. This is how issues arise in relationships where people start to assume they know what their partner likes and communication becomes less and less.
Consent is here to save the day! It is here to take away assumptions and get down to brass tax! Foreplay can look like dirty talk and telling someone what you are about to do. That is a way to give your partner time to see if that is what they want and time to spice things up simultaneously!
Trauma responses come back and sometimes speaking can get more difficult to do overtime. That is why having more communication at the beginning beforehand with some dirty talk can be a bit easier than once things are already in play. Also, you can use body cues and set up safe body cues if words are not your thing in the bedroom. Consent can be sexy! So can finding your voice and honoring it, too. I encourage all people to celebrate their desires and their boundaries in all areas of their lives, especially something as beautifully joyous as sex.
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As joyous as it is, though, most women (98%) have encountered some sort of sexual harassment before they even have sex as an adult. According to RAINN, 1 out of 6 women has experienced rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. Also, 1 out of every 10 victims of rape is a man. I believe the statistics are much higher and it's very hard to gauge as most people do not report it. There was a time in my life when I didn’t know a woman who had not experienced it in their lifetime at least once. I know it's anecdotal, but it still lurks deep within my spirit inspiring me to write articles like this to help where I can.
As affirmative consent is beginning to come around, I also noticed that it is still not a popular nor discussed topic nearly enough. In fact, as I was doing research the other day on consent through TikTok I noticed there were hundreds of thousands more views making jokes/trying to break holes in feminism than actual feminist topics. There were also more views on a kink hashtag known as #consentnonconsent than on the topic of consent. That of itself scares me quite a bit like 94% of women that go through a trauma have PTSD which would create a huge difficulty to ‘play’ with consent.
We culturally have not understood how consent is the first step towards healthy communication in the bedroom with your partner(s)! It awakens the gift that you actually can get what you want when you clarify your desires and hold space for your surroundings to have power as well. It is creating an even playing field for anything to be possible.
Often, our biggest lessons in life are revealed when we start having relationships. Our shadow selves and demons appear out of the abyss of our previous (T)traumas and liven themselves as we get closer to someone and more vulnerable.
This is the time to grow, not shrink. This is the time to step into your fear and see what you can become when you empower yourself.
When you lose your voice/power in the bedroom you are losing your ability to expand emotionally. This is for both/all parties. Vulnerability in Relationships starts with the voice.
I am not saying this is easy. It isn’t! I still am a practicing person on being more vocal in the bedroom with my long-term partner. It is a long journey of making space for one another during times when we are both naked, emotionally and physically. That is why consent isn’t quite popular or sexy yet.
It is easy as culturally we are given the option of brute force to get what we want. We teach games like musical chairs and high five the kid who just shoved everyone to the ground to get their feeling of accomplishment.
Sex, became an accomplishment when we started bragging about how many people we had sex with (male stereotypes), and while that continued it abled women to become a prize to win. When a person becomes an ‘object of desire’ it enables the doer to bypass consent communication and just shove their way to the win.
But, I am a person who tends to enjoy games that are collaborative by nature and do my best to promote that because it is in the interests of everyone to win together! Sex is a game meant to be played collaboratively, however, culturally most of us have been playing it individually. Even for a woman, the eye on the prize could be something different than the simple feeling of sharing a sexy sacred space with their partner(s). That is the only prize that serves to be thought of during sex to make sure all parties are staying present in the experience.
What if you thought of sex as a collaborative role-playing game? What would that look like for you and how would it look different? I know I am getting quite nerdy, but, alas I am a nerd and my utter nerdome will come out in most of my blog posts. So, let’s get even nerdier!
ROLEPLAYING
In many collaborative games that are role-playing games, there are skills that you can have and ones that you are stronger at than others. You can design your character to have qualities that balance your partner’s personality but still have areas that create a dynamic that is fun.
For example, you can be extra charming and crafty but maybe you are not stealthy or fast (this is literally copying a game like DND). So, maybe you bring out the fun toys in the bedroom and talk more than your partner. Likewise, you could play hard to get, but actually, be quite easy to get as you are not stealthy enough to getaway. That can be your ‘foreplay’ or sex style.
The other thing that consent does is it gives space to pause during sex. If you find that you are having sex too fast and not taking your time with it, this could even prolong the experience.
REGULAR CHECK-INS (SEXY CHECK-INS)
Yes, checking in is the entirety of consent. So, it's important you begin to find a vocabulary or phrases you feel comfortable and sexy saying when you are in the mood for luscious loving.
How to make a regular check-in look sexy??
“I am dominating you, but I also care about you.”
“I am going to __________ to you and I am getting wet just thinking about it.”
“ I am excited for you to be inside of me.”
“I want to take this slow and touch all your body.”
“ Do you like what I am doing with your __________?”
“Do you want me to bring out toys/my ______?”
While it may not seem as sexy, saying no is okay to do at any time. You can say no in the beginning, middle, or end. You can say no and repeat it! If you are finding you are repeating yourself more than 2 times, get the f#ck out! Part of healthy consent is that your boundaries are heard, respected, and appreciated!
If you are asking multiple times to get a new answer, maybe take a pause and get more present with your partner(s)’ desires. You are not here to get what you want, you are here to play and be part of something that takes more than one person. It is about everyone getting some pleasure out of it together. Pushing your way into getting what you want is not a pleasing way to make a happy or healthy partner. Remember, for some people saying no is already very difficult, so repeating it is even more difficult. Don’t use that vulnerability for your benefit. That is using manipulation and deceit.
I hope this article brought new light to why consent is so valuable and what you can get out of it when used properly. It is vulnerable, and it can be scary, but in the end, it’s the healthiest and most emotionally intelligent way to share a pretty freaking wild experience that people do! Sex is weird and it's fun.
With infinite love and gratitude for all that are seeking growth in discomfort. Keep being vulnerable and courageous.
Brook
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Hello! If you made it this far then you are very cool, obviously. I am Brook Woolf, the author of this blog and founder of Emotional Body Mapping. If you want to know more about me feel free to check out my other posts and my bio! I hope you have found my site to have useful and thoughtful information. If you ever want me to do a deep dive on a topic feel free to email me! I am a real person and love hearing from my readers. Also, if you are looking for guidance in your holistic practice or life I also do private coaching if none of the online courses satiate you enough.
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