Living with a partner with anxiety or depression can be hard to navigate. We cannot choose who we love, but it still can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, it can feel like there is more than you can be doing to be supporting each other.  Remember, that you are not a superhero, therapist, or mediator. You are their partner! Although, remain hopeful as there are many people in healthy relationships with people with anxiety. 

Since the COVID pandemic, anxiety and depression are on a rise. According to nature.com (https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-00175-z), More than 42% of people surveyed by the US Census Bureau in December reported symptoms of anxiety or depression in December, an increase from 11% the previous year. That means it is time for us as partners to learn some new skills to navigate the new territory many of us are in together. 

As someone with a partner who currently is suffering from anxiety and depression, I have made it a personal mission and motive to be as healthy as possible on this journey of healing. I found that my ‘people-pleaser’ and mentality to want to fix and help things started to happen in the process of our relationship turmoil. I have since learned how to be a better listener and have the ability to sit in the darkness with my partner without needing to fix or change anything all the time. It has been a long and arduous process, however, I feel that this came as a lesson for both of us in a beautiful way. I see it as a gift to learn how to really hold space for someone and be a witness to their journey and process of personal healing. 

With that being said, here are some detailed tools I have learned that make me a better partner since deep diving into research mode for myself and my growth as a healthy partner. 

1. Listen and actively listen.

   Ask questions and see if your partner may have areas that could support them without feeling intimidated to say them. Honor their ideas and hold space for them to be vulnerable. It sometimes is not easy for anxious partners to believe that they have the answers within themselves on what serves them best. As a supportive partner, sometimes it just takes a safe place for them to feel validated and not alone in their ideas. 

2. Be Honest and Clear with your Communications.

Don’t be afraid to talk about the bills if they are worrying you and don’t try to do it all alone. Your partner wants to be a part of your life, too. If you are running late, text them. If you plan on having a friend over, perhaps let them know ahead of time so they can have ample time to prepare in the ways that serve them best. If you start to treat your partner too fragile to the point you are trying to hide the uncomfortable conversations that create a very awkward dynamic. Anxiety doesn’t mean life just stops and things don’t need to be discussed. It may be hard, but conversations are built so that you are able to be vulnerable with your partner, too. 

There is no time like the present. Focusing on your purpose helps you take away some of the pressures when you don’t feel like you are doing enough. The more clarity around your purpose, the less obligations you carry. Stop feeling burdened and start living for yourself today.

3. Help aid in regulating their nervous system with safe communication.

For example, “ I am not going anywhere, I love you.” These words go a long way with an anxious person. There is a lot of feeling like a burden for the anxious person that can be resolved with simple check-ins that affirm that you are here with them, they are not alone in their discomfort. Massages also help slow the nervous system down, if you are feeling like doing a little extra for your sweet love. You can offer to breath or meditate alongside them and see if they want to join in. Support can look like inspiration sometimes too. Always be mindful not to force these exercises, but merely offer them as support for them from a loving heart-mind.

4. Don’t stop your own self-care or life to only work on their happiness.

Your partner will not only feel bad if you stop enjoying your life, but also resentment grows in this formula. Inevitably, both parties will feel empty and unable to give to one another if you are not doing the self-care that works best for you. Take your baths, quiet time, and go to the events and celebrations that you want to do. If your partner is having an off day and you have plans, don’t let your life completely go one pause for your partner. It is important to make sure you live that life of yours! 

5. Your job is not to fix your partner.

  You are not there to figure out skills or tactics for your partner to learn how to heal through their anxiety, that is their job. You're here to support them no matter where they are in life. You are here to love them, even as an anxious person, not when they are not anxious only. If you only love them outside of their anxiety, you are creating conditional love, which adds a crazy amount of pressure and is highly unhealthy. If you are in a relationship currently where that is the current dynamic, it is an unsupportive relationship and not serving either person. 

Get the tools that you need to have self-care a part of your routine. Learn exercises, meditations, and gain clarity on current pains and traumas through easy videos and worksheets.

Healing serves to be accessible for everyone, that is why I make it a point to make all my programs affordable and packed with as much knowledge and collected data I possibly can.

6. Don’t try to Spin Positivity or Downplay their Fear. Anxiety and Depression is valid.

I know you mean well when you try to let them know their fear is irrational, but it isn’t helping. They know their fear is irrational if they have had anxiety for a bit of time. That doesn’t make it any less real feeling at the moment. Ask questions instead, ask them what it looks like and what about it makes them feel scared? Very often fear is not unsafe as we let it surface it dissipates effortlessly. Facing fear is a great way to understand and move through it. Instead of trying to have them focus on something positive or deflecting their anxiety, let them sit in the discomfort. Life is not all peaches and cream, it is comfortably uncomfortable when we are growing. Growth looks honest and hard sometimes. 

7. Learn to Understand Anxiety and What It Is Doing to Your Partner

According to TalkSpace, Learning some basic facts about anxiety will help you better understand and support your partner. Psychologist Dave Carbonell, Ph.D. and therapist Dr. Helen Odessky, among other mental health professionals, recommended you keep these ones in mind:

• Anxiety is a real problem, not something made up. It is a mental health issue.

• Anxiety is normal. Everyone has it. It only becomes an issue or disorder if it is severe.

• Anxiety can be a debilitating illness that prevents people from functioning and living a normal life.

• Anxiety makes people experience fight-or-flight reactions and stress to issues that are not life-threatening, including worrying about whether a partner will cheat or leave.

• You cannot “fix” or “cure” anxiety.

• Most people who have anxiety wish they didn’t have it. They worry about their anxiety being a burden to others.

• There are millions of people who, despite dealing with anxiety, have great relationships and are happy.

• Symptoms of anxiety can occur in waves, consistently, or both. People with anxiety disorders or issues can have periods of time when they don’t experience symptoms.

• Anxiety is not logical or rational. It causes people to worry about something despite there being no evidence to suggest it is worth worrying about. It also causes them to sometimes act irrationally. Your partner most likely knows this.

• Anxiety is not a weakness.

• Anxiety is treatable.

8. Therapy or healing-based Techniques.

Sometimes, it becomes too much to do on your own and that’s okay. You can try couple's counseling, offer your partner to go on their own to therapy, or go on your own if they won’t! You fell in love with someone that may take some extra space for you to process and still do your best to love them! Therapy will teach you communication skills to not be as reactive, defensive, or take your partner’s anxiety personally. It will help stop turning small embers into explosive arguments at home. If you are not as interested in talk therapy, there are beautiful exercises these days that help with anxiety and depression. Eft, T.R.E., EMDR, and NLP are just a few, and of course, my personal favorite, Emotional Body Mapping. 

 9. Set Boundaries.

Just because your partner has anxiety, doesn’t mean you serve to just let yourself be a mat for all the emotions that they cannot handle and communication that can hurt you. Boundaries can look like you not allowing ultimatums, threats, insults, or accusations. Telling your partner that these are things that you do not allow and you expect them to take steps to work on these reactions is helpful in honoring yourself in your relationship. Also, by honoring yourself you are not enabling behavior that doesn’t serve either one of you and can help your partner begin to push themselves towards a healthier way to move forward. 

Extra Credit:

Acknowledge their progress.

The small victories really do matter when we are working on anything in our lives. And anxiety progress can take some time and feel overwhelming. It is important you make note of progress, very often your partner is not noticing or not thinking you notice their efforts. 

Things not to say to your partner with anxiety. 

Well, I hope this was helpful for you and your partner! I wish you all the best on your journey with your loved one. You got this! The fact you are reading blog posts and doing your best to learn more shows that you care deeply for the relationship and are ready to do the work it takes to make your relationship healthy! Joy and happiness can simply look like a day without a panic attack.  Contentment looks different for everyone. 

With infinite love and gratitude for all that seek growth in discomfort. Keep being vulnerable and courageous. 

Brook 

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Hello! If you made it this far then you are very cool, obviously. I am Brook Woolf, the author of this blog and founder of Emotional Body Mapping. If you want to know more about me feel free to check out my other posts and my bio! I hope you have found my site to have useful and thoughtful information. If you ever want me to do a deep dive on a topic feel free to email me! I am a real person and love hearing from my readers. Also, if you are looking for guidance in your holistic practice or life I also do private coaching if none of the online courses satiate you enough.

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